Surviving a Phone Call With The Client

The Client, the source of my companies’ profits and the source of pain in my ass. Everything begins and ends with the Client. For us, we provide them with software, but you might provide them with logistics, marketing, financial services,  or maybe radioactive face cream.

In turn, the client provides your company with money, which they give a percentage of to you, and you use to buy alcohol to drown drown out the memory of dealing with the client. And by the way, that cashier at the liquor store… you are their client and the source of pain in their ass. Its a vicious cycle that ends when you die in a bizarre knitting accident. Don’t worry, now that I have revealed to you the method of your death, you can change it. Unless of course you believe in fate, in which case it looks like you are packing a half knit sweater for the afterlife.

I dread my phone calls with the client, mostly because the product my company provides them with sucks. Our software has more bugs than a Swahili crack-house, which gives the client an unlimited list of complaints to deliver to me. Can I blame them for being upset, no (yes). Can I blame them for whining like a bunch of little girls, yes! Can I blame my company for sucking, yes! Can I blame myself for not making things better? Hell No!!

Here are some useful tips for surviving a phone call with a difficult client:

  1. The answer to any question they have is “yes we can”. Even if there is no way your incompetent company could ever do that.
  2. Pretend like you care about how they wish they could [insert stupid request that makes no sense].
  3. Remember that your goal is to get off the phone as quickly as possible! If it seems like its going to be a long one, consider pulling the fire alarm or telling them that you have an appointment with your psychiatrist.
  4. Stay positive by squeezing your stress ball, imagining yourself strangling the client.
  5. Present the client with a paradox, then hang up : “a man says he’s lying, is he telling the truth or not?”
  6. Suggest that they take up a dangerous sport like base jumping, hang-gliding, or bear planking.
  7. Remember, that at the end of the day, you are awesome and they suck at life.
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